If you find yourself in an awkward situation and somebody else is there to witness it, you hope they aren’t too quick to judge. Ameriquest Mortgage Company thankfully went out of business but they left us with a series of funny ads to enjoy. If you find yourself in an awkward situation always try to find the humor.
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said: “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Kenny said, “OK, then just unload the donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.”
Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Kenny: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998.00.”
Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Kenny: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of *****
My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, “How many children do you have?”
He answered, “Twelve.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?”
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words. And don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.
Real estate agents work very hard and deal with a wide array of emotions on a day to day basis. Sometimes, it’s an hour by hour basis! Sometimes, we need a little something to unwind, or to perk up, or to celebrate, or to drown our sorrows in. Basically, there’s always a reason for an agent to need a drink, so here’s the top ten list of drinks for real estate agents.. Drink responsibly!
1. The Broker Blues – The time when you don’t have any pending deals. You’re feeling sorry for yourself and wondering why the hell you work in real estate.
Ingredients:
½ oz. Blue Curaco
½ oz. Vodka
A squeeze of lime juice
Shake with ice and strain into a shot gloss. Repeat, as necessary.
2. The New Listing Lemon Drop – When you get a new listing and you’re feeling your inner Superhero coming back, baby!
Ingredients:
1 ½ oz. Vodka
½ oz. Triple Sec
1 tsp. sugar
1 tsp. lemon juice
Maraschino cherry
Mix Vodka,Triple Sec,sugar,and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice; shake well until sugar is well blended. Pour strained liquor into sugar-rimmed martini glass and don’t forget to garnish with a cherry on top! Note: To create a sugar-rimmed glass, take a lemon wedge and rub the rim of the glass. Dip the edge of the glass into superfine sugar.
3. The Red Hot Realtor – You’re dominating the market. You have homes flying off the streets and clients lining up wanting your help. You’re on fire! This drink is simple, because you don’t have time to make anything complicated.
Ingredients:
1 8oz. glass of 7-up
1 shot of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky
4. The All-Nighter – You’ve had a long day. You spent hours on the phone and computer pulling comps, setting up showings and answering calls and emails. You have offers to respond to and draft, and you know you’ll be up late tonight. The All-Nighter drink has your back. It’s also simple and knows you don’t have the time to measure and bust out a ton of ingredients.
Ingredients:
Red Bull Energy Drink
1 shot of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum
1 shot of orange juice
5. The Home Wrecker – The day the inspection or appraisal kills the deal. You need something STRONG! Also called the Long Island Iced Tea, this is one of the strongest and most alcoholic drinks ever created. It’s also delicious. It also helps take away your anger, bitterness, and extreme sorrow!
Ingredients:
1 shot of vodka
1 shot of rum
1 shot of tequila
1 shot of gin
1 shot of triple sec
1 lemon wedge
Coke
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add the spirits and the juice from a squeezed lemon and shake like hell. Pour into a tall glass, add ice and slowly pour the coke on top of the ice. The less coke you add, the better you will feel.
6. The Double Agent Dance – This is when you’re acting as both the listing agent and buyer’s agent. You know you have a lot of work ahead of you, and that it requires a delicate dance. This drink is also known as The Dancing Goldfish.
Ingredients:
1 bottle of white wine (chardonnay or white zinfandel are best)
12 oz. of 7-Up
12 oz. Peach Schnapps
1 can of mandarin oranges
Over ice and in a large pitcher, pour in wine and peach schnapps. Stir in mandarin oranges and 7-Up. Serve in tall glass with ice and watch the fishes dance! Keep refilling to keep the fishes alive!
7. The Orgasm – When you’ve worked so long and so hard, and given all you can, and you finally get the satisfaction of a job well done. The build-up has been intense, and then… you get an OFFER! You explode with relief!! Also known as a Screaming Orgasm (if the offer was all cash or over asking)! There’s no better feeling in the world. 😉
Ingredients:
1 oz. Bailey’s
1 oz. Kahlua
1 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Amaretto
Makes one shot. Can be doubled for a Multiple Orgasm.
8. The Hail Mary – When you have a deal hanging by a thread and you need that one last burst of energy or negotiation super power to get the deal done. This is when you need your Hail Mary, also known as a Bloody Mary.
Ingredients:
1 ½ oz. vodka
3 oz. tomato juice
1 tbsp. lemon juice
½ tsp. worcestershire sauce
3 drops of tabasco sauce
½ tbsp. horseradish
salt, pepper
Mix everything together and pour into a tall glass. Garnish with lemon or lime wedge, celery stalk, green onion, pickled green bean, rotisserie chicken or anything you have laying around the kitchen.
9. The Superman – It’s closing day! You did your job, did it very well, and made it look easy. You finally got your hard-earned paycheck and saved the world for your client. You feel like a Superhero, and if this isn’t your drink of choice, then a beer will never taste better than after a closing! Cheers!
Ingredients:
1/2 oz Stoli Blueberi vodka
1/2 oz Absolut vanilla vodka
1/2 oz Bacardi white rum
1/2 oz Malibu coconut rum
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1 1/2 oz pineapple juice
Cranberry Juice
Sprite
Fill shaker with ice and add all of the alcoholic ingredients and pineapple juice and shake till frothy. Pour mixture into a tall glass, then add a quick pour of Sprite and top with a splash of cranberry juice. This will layer red, white, and blue into the glass and will rejuvenate your super-hero powers!
10. Love Potion – When your happy clients refer you to a friend or family member and you get to start all over again, and your love for the wacky world of real estate is renewed.
Ingredients:
1 oz Grey Goose Vodka
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz peach schnapps
1 oz orange juice
1 oz cranberry juice
Pour ingredients into a shaker with ice, shake and serve on the rocks. Now get to work and go party!
Easy Money 